Stuff I Promise You Will Care Nothing About

2012-01-25T13:38:00.002-06:00

Yep, too lazy to maintain this and the tumblr. I have made the cyber Sophie's Choice and the tumblr won.

My dad and sister's birthday was Monday

2011-12-21T13:05:00.001-06:00

Monday morning around 10 AM, I called my dad to wish him a happy birthday.

Me: Happy Birthday. You are old. Do you feel kind of dead yet?

My Dad: Yes, thanks for asking. You still get all my records in the will. Did you wish your sister a happy birthday yet?

Me: Yes, I sent her a picture of my ass this morning and told her I hoped her day was horrible.

My Dad: Did you seriously do that? Actually never mind, stupid question. Of course you did.

Best Christmas Ever

2011-12-19T18:15:00.001-06:00

Unparalleled choreography + old people + flash mob = Best Thing Ever

2011-12-16T13:07:00.000-06:00

When The Associate and I finally retire, this is the sort of thing I am planning on doing to fill our empty days.

Also, all old men in nursing homes: Take note- the dude to chick ratio in this clip is highly in your favor. If you want to be a hit with the ladies, flash mobs to Glee songs are the way to go.

My Favorite Twitters

2011-12-13T15:33:00.000-06:00

https://twitter.com/#!/shitgirlssay

http://twitter.com/whitegrlproblem

Read them

Richard Ruined Christmas

2011-12-06T15:28:00.000-06:00

I really love Christmas. The weeks between Thanksgiving and the end of December are about the only time of year when I'm consistently upbeat and almost obnoxiously cheerful for extended periods of time. Our apartment looks like Christmas vomited all over it and the second any classic Christmas movie or cartoon comes on the TV, I drop everything to watch it with intensity totally unnecessary for programming intended for 5 year olds.

The Associate and I were driving to Central Market for provisions last week, and I had on the radio station playing Christmas music 24 hours a day, every day. (Quick side note- it's unfortunately the same station that has Delilah as the host. I want to throat punch her, even at my cheeriest, blech). I try not to sing along to most of the songs, as my voice is apparently offensive and grating to The Associate's snobby, choir-trained ears, but then this song came on and I just couldn't help myself: I love love love it.

So there I was, happily bouncing around in the car and doing my best to spread my infectious seasonal spirit to Richard The Scrooge when we got to this part of the song:

"Ho ho the mistletoe

Hung where you can see

Somebody waits for you

Kiss her once for me!"

I decided that it would be SO CUTE if I surprise sneak kissed Richard's cheek when we got to the last line (I wasn't kidding about the obnoxiously cheerful part). So I got all prepared and was about to launch myself at him when his hand shot up to block his face and he said very loudly, "NO!"

I froze. My eyes got huge. And then I started simultaneously laughing and sobbing.

I really can't explain why I decided it was a good time to cry. In general, only 3 things can bring me to tears:

All children's cartoon movies (specifically Land Before Time, Bambi, Fox and the Hound, and Little Mermaid)
Any ASPCA commercial or Animal Cops-ish TV show
I can't even think of a 3rd because I am that insensitive

It had certainly been a very long time since Richard had seen me cry, which probably explains why he looked terrified and immediately started yelling, "I'll kiss you!! I'll kiss you!! Why are you crying??!! I'll kiss you, okay??!!"

At this point, I was no longer in control of anything my body was doing. I couldn't stop laughing because I was genuinely amused by his ability to read my mind, anticipate my actions, and shut them down.. And I couldn't stop crying because.... I have no idea. I think maybe the surprise of getting stopped in my tracks in the midst of my giddy Christmas sing along just made my brain have some sort of system overload resulting in the hysterical laughing and sobbing. That or maybe my body was so shocked by the appearance of actual tears that it wanted to just keep it going, kind of like when snow falls in Texas and we never want it to end.

It took me a few minutes, but after flinging my wiped off tears at him and hissing, "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!" (me still giggling, him still looking scared out of his mind), I got a hold of myself.. But I informed him that all I wanted for Christmas was a new boyfriend who appreciated my singing and dancing skills as well as my spontaneous holiday kisses!! He rolled his eyes and wished me luck. It did not make me feel very holly or jolly at all :(

The end.

**I'm supposed to include a disclaimer that Richard is not a horrible person and I was not in any way emotionally scarred or abused as a result of his actions. I promise, I thought the whole thing was really funny, especially when he genuinely felt badly for making me cry. P*ssy.**

I hope your Friday night is just as wild

2011-12-03T00:13:00.000-06:00

This is amazing.

Ha!

2011-12-02T16:19:00.001-06:00

See all the CollegeHumor Original Videos here.

Everything that is wrong with our world condensed in one 4 minute video

2011-12-02T16:18:00.003-06:00

2011-12-02T16:16:00.002-06:00

At Richard’s request, here is a picture of the fruit and vegetables we bought at Central Market last night. I’m not really sure why he wanted me to share this with random internet strangers, but yep. There it is.

Taken with instagram

Emily "Fat Town" Muenzler-Howell at work on her morning snacks

2011-12-02T16:16:00.000-06:00

instagr.am →

I got all huffy earlier this week when a stranger joked, “You need to feed that dog!!” when I was out walking Emily and Maggie. I came home and complained to Richard about how she was just big-boned and doesn’t need anyone fat-shaming her about the body she was born with, okay??!!

Cut to picture of her on the bed eating a peanut butter kong with a bowl full of food this morning. *do do do do doo move it along folks, nothing to see here**

Taken with instagram

Why I should be my father's favorite child

2011-12-01T13:05:00.004-06:00

So my dad is pretty much the coolest dude I know. We are basically the same person, except he has a fur suit and is a boy and outweighs me by like 100 lbs and is super old. But other than that, pretty much exactly the same.

This is a picture from around when my parents got married- my mom just couldn't resist a man in a sweater vest with a woman's haircut. It has nothing to do with the rest of this post, but it's so awesome.

When my parents found out they were having me, my dad was a little nervous. He wanted a boy. He says there wasn't any real reason that he preferred boys- it was more than he had absolutely no idea what to do with a girl. And for daring to state a preference instead of just being happy with a healthy baby of either sex like a good parent would, God punished him by giving him not 1 girl, but 2. And to really drive home the point, he spaced us exactly 5 years apart, ensuring that my poor father would be forced to live with a teenage girl for an entire decade straight.

Now he swears that the second I was born and he saw his brand new baby orangutan, he ceased worrying about the whole boy/girl thing, and we were cool. But then he found a way around the whole daughter obstacle- if you want a son, just treat whatever children you have like one, and chances are they'll end up close enough in the end.

So much to my mother's chagrin, I grew up rough housing with my dad (and hurting various parts of myself several times because I tended to get a little serious during our play fights), watching UT football games with him every Saturday, and playing T-Ball and soccer, on boys teams no less. By the end of elementary school, I was a big fan of shopping in the boys department for clothes, refusing to brush my hair, and I straight up, foot down R-E-F-U-S-E-D to even look at a dress or a skirt, much less wear one. So he basically got his son.

This is another picture totally unrelated to the story, but again so awesome that

I have to include it. Behold, me at age 8.

Over the years I've come to rest somewhere in between a total princessy girlie girl (my sister) and a boy in all but anatomy (me at 12 years old).

I still play soccer. I still watch at least 3 football games every weekend, and my dad and I always call each other for "football talk" after a UT or Dallas game. And I can't force myself to be interested in any TV show about wedding planning, dating with the goal of getting married, being married to famous basketball players, having children, forcing them to compete in pageants, or which Kardashian is banging which athlete. (These seem to be the general areas of interest for most chicks if my sister is representative of that whole group).

But I did start brushing my hair, and I wear dresses on a pretty routine basis (though I prefer maxis, as I can then get away with not shaving my legs as regularly as I should). I even bought real bras instead of insisting that sports bras are really fine for any occasion. Progress.

But for some reason, several times a year my dad has this weird mental breakdown where he apologizes to me for, in his words, "making me the way I am". He feels like he made my path in life harder somehow by steering me away from typical girl stuff and making me into the mutant uber-tomboy-chick that I've become. While to me it seems like his intervention allowed me to dodge a huge bullet, he feels like he's done me some sort of disservice. Things he cites during these little speeches:

You don't like other girls (I have like 3 girl friends!!! And most of the others kind of suck.)
You are very intense (WTF? That's bad?)
You play soccer with boys (WTF Part II: The Sequel)
You have a potty mouth (um, they gave me permission to cuss in 6th grade, that's not my problem)
You like football and do not like to do girl things (WTF Part III: The Trilogy is Complete)
You are not very sensitive or affectionate (This is actually true- it's a big joke in our family that I really just do not like being hugged at all, so everyone does it to make me as uncomfortable as possible. And I've been known to slap someone on the shoulder and tell them to suck it up when they want to talk about their feelings).

Obviously these traits are somehow glaring beacons of what he believes to be a failure on his part to properly parent me, even though I tend to think of them all as rather positive things in my favor, but whatever. But in keeping with point 5 in his list of things that are wrong with me, I don't usually give much thought to whether or not he has a point and just laugh before scampering off to mock my sister for wearing pink or something.

While I was home for Thanksgiving, my sister came into my room and told me that Dad had just given her the whole talk. I guess since I no longer live at home, he's decided to preach the message to her in hopes of somehow getting through to me and like, making me watch TLC lady shows or something. I don't know.

Trying to cheer him up just seems pretty predictable and boring, in addition to the fact that I would technically be disagreeing with him if I told him he was wrong, which is RUDE.

So I've decided to help him get really depressed instead.

With Christmas coming up and being a whole family holiday type of thing, I know he's going to get very emotional and reflective, and bust the apology speech on me at least once when I'm home over vacation. And this time I'll be prepared.

This song makes my dad so incredibly, irrationally sad, it's scary:

I have no explanation for why he seems to think he's anything like the father in this song. I can't remember a spelling bee, soccer game, dance recital, etc where at least one parent wasn't in attendance. My dad took off of work for an entire day in 2nd grade to watch me win the school spelling bee, which I'm sure was pretty much the most boring and biggest waste of a day off ever. I think he was the only parent there. And he watched more of my dance performances than any person should ever be forced to sit through without some sort of monetary reward (or at least strong liquor). Both of my parents were ALWAYS around when I was growing up, much to my dismay when I became a teenager.

But if he's so intent on talking about what a horrible, emotionally-scarring, non-baseball throwing, absentee parent he was to me (how exactly would he get so much emotional scarring in if he was never around, by the way?), I will support him. I have instructed my sister to start singing this song any time he really gets going on one of his speeches while looking as devastated and neglected as possible. And I'm considering making up a whole bunch of imaginary important events that happened in my childhood that he was NOT THERE FOR and seeing what kind of reaction I get. I'm hoping to keep a straight face long enough to make him wonder if he has actually totally forgotten about the blue ribbon I won in my horseback riding competition at age 12 that he didn't even bother to come see, let alone REMEMBER.

And in closing, this is why I am the best daughter in the world.

Why do you hate your child?

2011-11-28T16:07:00.000-06:00

I don't know why this surprises me, but it has come to my attention that over 30 children were named Renesmee in the last year. Why? Just why....

And the Oscar goes to....

2011-11-21T12:34:00.006-06:00

A few weeks back I wrote about a girl in one of my soccer games that accused me of being a lesbian and wanting to make out with her after I accidentally elbowed her in the face. I got to play that team again in my game yesterday, and managed to find myself being sexually propositioned yet again by a different player. What is it with this team of dirty nymphos?

The thing about coed soccer is the the deck is totally stacked against anyone with lady parts. No matter how good I am, I am still not as big, fast or strong as most of the guys. For the most part, the guys take it easy on the girls because of the size and skill disparity. The few girls that play at a higher level and can hang with the dudes are SOL, as they don't really cut us any slack. That's not a big deal, because I am a masochist and forever convinced that all 5 ft 5 inches of me can surely hold my own against a guy that's 6 ft 2 and outweighs me by 50 or 60 pounds (spoiler- I am usually wrong).

This is the result of such a match up yesterday:

Yay disgusting turf burn from a field covered in sweat and dirt that only gets cleaned once a year!!!

But there are a few guys in the league that just can't seem to grasp that this is old person coed soccer in Euless, TX and not the World Cup. These guys will run over a 50 year old chick without pause to get to a ball, or blindside a girl that weighs 90 lbs. They have the audacity to argue with the refs when they get called for it, and are also the biggest wussies in the world if anyone dares make contact with them.

One of those guys is on the team we played yesterday. I think he's taken out every girl on our team at some point, as well as most of the guys. You expect a tough guy like that to have a certain rough and tumble appearance, kind of like this:

I'll whoop your ass and make you like it, boy!

You would be wrong.

He looks exactly like this.

He's like a Jersey Shore cast member dropped in the middle of Texas. In addition to the fake tan, he has the most over-plucked eyebrows I have ever seen on a male. I'd bet money he might even get them professionally threaded. So keep this visual in mind for the rest of the story.

With about 5 minutes left in the game, my team was down by a goal and pressing hard. It's pretty normal in that situation to try and waste some time if you're the team in the lead. But you have to be sneaky about it, because the ref can card you if he thinks you're pushing it too far.

Eyebrows had the ball and was dribbling toward our goal with one of our guys right on top of him. He lightly bumped Eyebrows trying to get to the ball. About 2 seconds after the actual contact, Eyebrows went airborne and then rolled around on the ground groaning and flapping his arms in distress. It was very obviously a dive.

The ref called the foul, and both teams backed off to restart. Everyone that is, except Eyebrows, who was still flailing around on the ground and crying. After about 10 seconds of his performance, I got tired of it and applauded him, announcing, "This deserves an Oscar" to the referee.

All of his traumatic injuries were instantly healed and he bounced right up. In a totally logical response to my comment, he grabbed his dangle and yelled, "THIS DESERVES AN OSCAR, B*TCH!" while shaking it at me.

I'm guessing I was supposed to be intimidated by package situation? It didn't really seem too threatening to me. I mean what was he going to accomplish by grabbing his junk exactly? Maybe his balls just itched and he needed an excuse to get all handsy with them? Maybe this is how people from New Jersey fight? Can anyone confirm that for me? I'm envisioning angry Jersey dudes just aggressively shaking their dangles at each other without actually ever coming into physical contact. Maybe I should have grabbed my imaginary dangle and shaken it back at him?

But in the end there was just no way I could be intimidated by a guy who puts more time and effort into grooming his eyebrows than it takes for me to get ready, walk the dogs, watch the morning news, drink some coffee and drive to work. So I laughed. And I told him that what he was grabbing didn't deserve an award of any kind, but his eyebrow situation most definitely did, so high five! And then I called him something that can also be used to describe a cat.

I know I shouldn't even say anything to engage people like this, but I just cannot help myself. Do you see the picture of him above??!! If you don't respond when someone who looks like that tries to insult you, a kitten dies. Plus there were a ton of kids watching the game from like 10 feet away. So I was really just admonishing him for the sake of the children (total lie right there- I just have a big mouth and don't take kindly to assholes).

Amazingly, he stopped about 5 feet from me and wouldn't come any closer. I'd like to think it's because even he knows better than to try and fight a girl, but in all honesty he probably just didn't want to mess up his beautiful brows in a tussle (that I totally would have won).

If I'd had more time I should have grabbed my boobs and told him I'd raise his Oscar a pair of Golden Globes.

Song of the Day

2011-11-18T14:19:00.000-06:00

Kimbra and Gotye- Somebody That I Used To Know

Pardon the creepy nekkidness in the video. I dig the song.

This is what happens when I ask for help with housework

2011-11-18T13:54:00.000-06:00

I was folding my way through a massive pile of laundry last night. The Associate and Emily were snuggling on the bed a few feet away, but pretending not to see me, as is the norm when I start hardcore chore-ing and cleaning. Apparently I clean so furiously that I just become a blur or invisibility. Magical.

I had to run downstairs for something, and casually mentioned to Richard that if he wanted to fold some of the laundry, I would be totally fine with that.

When I came back up 5 minutes later, this is what greeted me.

Richard claimed he folded all of the laundry, but then Emily messed it all up and managed to bury herself in it despite lacking opposable thumbs and everything. She's the most talented dog ever. Plus she knows her angles and likes to pose in pictures. Richard is also full of shit.

The end.

Am I being charged extra for these amenities?

2011-11-14T16:08:00.002-06:00

This summer I left the sanctuary of my beloved apartment in the ghetto for some fancy, over-priced apartment in the middle of downtown Fort Worth that has zero crackheads to entertain me and no fun adult objects laying around for me to find. You can read about how awesome my house in the 'hood was here and here. I miss it.

In all fairness, the new apartment does come with some perks that were kind of lacking at the old place. First and foremost, Richard is there, which is a good thing (except all the times he's pissing me off, at which point you can switch it to the "cons" list). It also has insulation installed more recently than the 70s, which means I can keep the apartment cooler than 80 degrees without having to pay a $300 electric bill. Oh and we have internet and cable, although that might also be a con since I now spend way more time watching totally horrible television that surely rots my brain instead of reading and doing actual productive stuff like I used to when I was living in a barren wasteland devoid of all technology.

Anyways, this one bedroom place costs almost 3x that of my previous 2 bedroom abode- not that I pay triple the rent. Because I am a tenacious negotiator and unfailingly cheap, I told The Associate he could either move into my place and split the rent with me, saving us both tons of money (the SMART choice), or we could move into the fancy place of his choice and I would continue to pay my same rent because I am poor. For some totally insane reason, he agreed, in turn forcing me to sort through and pack up all of my precious belongings (aka: crap). I was disappointed. POINT BEING- if we have to shell out stupid amounts of money to live here, I kind of expect all sorts of dazzling awesomeness every time I step through the door.

Again- this place is nice! Most days I'm pretty tickled to be living there. It has two building managers. And an elevator. And a magically refilling candy bowl with only the good candy that is highly coveted by kids during Halloween. They put little glade air freshener thingees all over the hallways so that it always smells really nice. It's pretty tight!!.

But the events of the last few weeks have made it abundantly clear that while they take pains to make sure the building is a super cool place to live, they do not put the same amount of effort into making sure the tenants are of that same quality.

There are eight units on every floor in the building, all laid out in a row on the same side of the hallway. Our end of the hallway just happens to house people around our age or older that are pretty much old, boring and married or some combination of the three. Let's call them The Jets.

The other end of the hallway has experienced a ton of turnover, and is currently home to a somewhat rowdy group of recent college grads that are not old, boring or married. They are loud, dude. And they stay up past 11 PM on weeknights (insanity!!). And one of them has a kegorator. We will call them The Sharks (yes, after West Side Story, just go with it).

To appropriately capture the vibe of the hallway, envision a Scrubs-style dance off with me twirling around viciously with my steaming mop and in my pajamas while they thrash around LOUDLY, brandishing liquor bottles and condoms. We acknowledge each other in the hallways and make cordial nice-talk, but we do not hang out. Because they are not like us and and we are not like them and we do not trust each other!!

The first weekend that the Shark in question moved in, he threw a housewarming party. No big deal. Housewarming parties are pretty run-of-the-mill. The only reason I even knew it was going on was because a quintet of very loud, very drunk sorostitutes walked behind me from the parking garage all the way to our floor and into his door yammering about it in that dolphin-like high-pitched squeal they use to communicate. And I even giggled when I walked the dogs out later that night and heard a very passionate and off-key group rendition of the Lion King's "Circle of Light".

But the thing about housewarming parties, is that you have ONE to warm your house. And that's it. Your house has been warmed, and it needs no more warming. It should be cooling off from the climax of warmness that was the housewarming party, never to reach that level of warmness again. But my Shark neighbor does not understand this, because when we came in from walking the dogs last Thursday night (the Jets equivalent of clubbing), there was incredibly loud music and drunk girl shrieking coming through his door as we passed.

I thought about knocking on the door and politely asking him to keep it the f*ck down, but it was 11 PM and nearing my aforementioned bedtime, so I decided against it and retired to bed. (Imagine me backing down the hallway all hunched over and snapping like in the movie version just for fun).

*Insert time lapse sequence of me getting ready for bed, going to sleep, waking up the next morning and opening the door to take the dogs out*.

As I opened the door, I was smacked in the face with the unmistakable smell of vomit. It was seriously a WAVE. I hustled the dogs down the hall as fast as I could with the two of them stopping ever 5 ft to sniff the walls. This isn't surprising, as they think dead animal carcasses and cat crap are delicacies. OF COURSE they think puke smells great.

I finally got them into the elevator and out the front door in the fresh air where I ran into our building super. He looked like hell.

Building super: Did you smell that when you walked out your door?

Me: Um, do you mean the vomit? If so, yes. If not, I have no idea what you are referring to, as all I could smell was puke.

He asked if I'd heard anything odd last night, at which point I considered explaining that I sleep in a room with 2 dogs that snore, 1 boy that snores, and a cat that likes to attack her feather-jingle bell toy only at 2 in the morning while making the most horrible screeching noises ever, so yes, I heard lots of weird things last night. But because I am incredibly intuitive, I realized that probably wasn't what he meant. I told him that I heard someone having a party around 11, but that was it (I ain't no snitch).

Apparently he was woken up at 4 AM Friday morning by a text from a Jet-in-spirit who is sadly stuck between two of the loudest apartments on the other end of the hallway. He was leaving for work, and opened his door to find that someone had literally projectile vomited over about a 30 ft stretch of hallway. They started right in front of the elevator, and then sprinted back and forth, making sure to get it on every inch of wall and floor possible. Then to hide their handiwork, they took the framed photographs off of the walls, and put it on top of the puke. I'm guessing that was a drunk logic attempt at hiding the evidence? And that's how they left it.

Our poor super spent the next 3 hours scrubbing someone else's vomit off of the walls and floor of the hallway, rehanging pictures and disinfecting every possible surface. Because he is obviously a saint, he didn't knock on the door of the party thrower, hand him a mop, and go back to bed. This is obviously what I would have done, as I am not a nice person.

Now I understand drinking a bit too much and realizing that it's all about to reverse course in oh 10 seconds, so you have to find a receptacle NOW. I think everyone has been there at some point (or multiple points). But I have never been so bad off (or more probably such a giant asshole) that I couldn't make it to a sink, a toilet, or an out of the way outdoor location where people wouldn't have to do anything more than a light hose-down. I most definitely have never puked in a friend's house, or the communal property of an apartment building. And if I did, you can be damned sure that I'd be on hands and knees cleaning up after myself while repeatedly apologizing. I would never ever ever ever in a million years leave my vomit for someone else to clean up. And if one of my friends happened to ralph all over the hallway of the apartment building I lived in, I would either a) clean it up myself or b) hand them a mop and tell them to get to work. Probably B.

Because this guy is either a tremendous jerk, or associates with absolutely vile, entitled brats, he is permanently on my sh*t list. Pleasantries in the elevator? DONE. Holding the door for him if he's coming in after me? OVER. Unblinking Steinface of Doom death stare every time we make eye contact? IT'S ON, DUDE!!

Because I don't have huge parties to coordinate or goggles of sluts to juggle on a daily basis, I have all the time in the world to devote to my war of passive aggression. Be ready, Shark. I'm coming for you. *snap... snap... snap*

The Emily Turtle-Dog

2011-11-11T10:02:00.002-06:00

The Bobo

2011-11-11T10:01:00.002-06:00

The Kylie

2011-11-11T09:59:00.000-06:00

The Maggie

2011-11-11T09:58:00.002-06:00

Things You Can Buy Me For Christmas

2011-11-09T14:50:00.000-06:00

Buying presents for people is stupid hard, even when it's for family members or people I am expected to know reasonably well. The only way I perform passably during gift giving season is by being in direct competition with my father, who is colorblind and likes to buy my mom all manner of beautiful shit brown colored clothing because he has no idea what the colors actually look like to normal-seeing-people.

I don't feel like I'm that hard to shop for. My unique appreciation of stuff that 99% of the population would deem biohazardous junk should really narrow down the pickings. Does this belong in a dump or relegated to the far back corner, top shelf of the local thrift store? Is it creepy and are you afraid to touch it? If so, chances are I will be absolutely delighted with it. Excellent examples of this include my much cherished formaldehyde-preserved baby sea turtle, Sir Francis Hot Dog Pants III, my prized armadillo purse from the gift shop of St. Davids Hospital and The Encyclopedia of Preserved People I received from a coworker several years ago.

But for those members of my family who are too lazy to put the effort into finding such amazing gifts for me, these items will suffice:

1) Sh*t I Gotta F*cking Get Done notebook

Self-explanatory. And aggressively motivational. Love it. And only $9.99

2) Cardboard cutout of a bison

In all honesty, I'm not exactly sure how I happened upon this piece of awesome. I know Matt and I were talking about the logistics of him smuggling me a baby camel back from Afghanistan, and somehow I started googling the cost of a live bison. Interestingly enough, we found a place in Texas that will sell girl babies for $500, which seems like a pretty great deal to me if we go halfsies. Plus we could pick it up, so we would save a ton on shipping. And their homepage says that they support our troops, so we were thinking we might be able to get some sort of military discount on top of that.

But since Matt won't be back for a few more months and my building isn't really equipped to house an entire bison, I researched some alternatives and found this amazingly life-like cardboard cut out for only $45!!!! How cool would it be to station this in the entry hall of the apartment to greet all of our guests? I'm 100% certain Richard would love it, so I may get it for him as a surprise.

3) My very own riot gear

While I was driving to work this morning, the DJ happened to announce that Dallas County was auctioning off a bunch of jewelry unclaimed by former inmates or found on unidentified bodies. Obviously the chance to buy fancy stuff from convicted felons or corpses appealed to me, so I checked the site out and found that all of these different counties, schools and businesses were auctioning off all manner of unclaimed or no longer used property!! And best of all, they are selling a set of riot gear!!! I've spent years begging my dad to find a way to get me in when the AG does their annual Dynamic Building Entry training, to no avail. I'm thinking maybe if I have my own set of gear it might make all the difference. A bit more expensive at $75, but a worthy investment if the zombie apocalypse ever happens for sure.

Life With Richard

2011-11-09T13:57:00.003-06:00

Throughout our relationship, there have been several times when I realized Richard and I very different views on what constitutes an acceptable living environment.

Example 1: The first time I went to his house, I went to the bathroom and realized there was no toilet paper. I checked everywhere I could think of and couldn’t find anything. I texted him only to be informed that he and his roommates had decided TP was too expensive and there was a bag of cotton balls under the sink that they used. Seriously. No apology, no embarrassment. Just very matter of fact, like it was the most logical cost-cutting measure in the world. To this day I still don’t understand how they went #2, but that’s another story.

Example 2: Until he moved into my house, he slept on a futon mattress. Like literally just a futon mattress. No sheets, no pillows. Just a futon mattress and a blanket that he balled up under his head to serve as as both pillow and covers. The first time I slept over, he didn’t understand why I was less than impressed when he so graciously offered to share his balled up blanket-pillow with me and looked at me like I was requesting a solid gold bed frame with a memory foam mattress. Of course this never stopped him from sleeping at my house 90% of the time and hoarding all of the pillows on his side of the bed like some sort of pillow-deprived freak.

So for the last few weeks, every time I went into the bathroom after he had showered, there seemed to be a gigantic puddle around the bathtub. I assumed this was because he insists on toweling off while standing on the bathmat, dripping wet, despite my repeated requests for him to dry himself in the tub. Something about using the bathmat as it is intended and not needing a bathroom nazi boss.

I never understood how someone with zero body hair (he claims this is because of his “Native American heritage”…. ) could carry enough water to create these epic floods- I can literally wring out the bathmat after he bathes. But as I am not allowed in the bathroom while he showers just because at times I like to throw things in there with him or rip open the curtain and scare him, I never got to do any sort of in depth investigation to figure out what was going on.

But this weekend, I had to pee REALLY REALLY badly while he was still in the shower. And we only have one toilet. So after whining and begging and explaining that pissing in the sink was NOT an acceptable alternative to him opening the door, I was allowed in.

I took all of 3 steps toward the toilet before hitting the water puddle and going airborne. By chance, I happened to end up on my ass looking at the edge of the bathtub and noticed that both the shower curtain liner and shower curtain were both on the outside of the tub. And not only that, but the curtain wasn’t pulled to the wall, leaving about 6 inches of wide open space where the water sprayed.

I asked him if that was how he had the shower curtain when he bathed all the time. He said yes. I asked if he noticed that the bathroom was flooded every time he took a shower. He said yes, but it was okay because it was always gone by the time he came back because it evaporated.

At this point I was torn between being incredibly pissed off that he thought evaporation, and not me, was taking care of his mess and laughing that he seriously thought that evaporation was taking care of his mess.

So I very nicely asked if he would PLEASE put the shower curtain liner inside of the tub and pull it to the wall so that I no longer had to mop the floor every time he bathed. He gave me the same “are you insane?” look as I got when I suggested he buy a pillow for his bed and said, "Yeah, I can’t do that. I need the gap to let air in so that I don’t get too hot in the shower. And every time the liner is inside the tub it tries to jump out and attack my legs.”

I had no idea our shower curtain liner was possessed by a leg-grabbing ghost. Gotta research shower curtain exorcisms STAT!

And off he went to play on the computer. *Sigh*

Please enjoy this picture of Maggie sitting in a bush

2011-11-09T13:37:00.000-06:00

Please enjoy this picture of Maggie sitting a bush.

On the way back to the house from our morning walk, she very purposefully veered off the sidewalk, walked straight into this bush, turned around, and sat down. She didn’t go to the bathroom. She didn’t move at all. Just sat there in the bush hanging out, like it was a totally normal thing to do.

Since she seemed to be enjoying it so much, I let her sit there for about a minute before people started giving me really weird looks and we had to go back home. I have no idea how I continue to come up with animals that are this odd.

My Entire Family is Famous

2011-11-09T13:35:00.000-06:00

Or half of it. My sister and mom still haven’t found a way to get on camera because they lack our innate star quality.

The same day that Richard and I became instant global celebrities on the Dallas Stars Kiss Cam, my father also made an Oscar-worthy appearance in this news story from Winkler County. He’s been doing cop stuff and gathering evidence to help out the prosecution in a trial there for the last few weeks.

He makes cinematic history in the last 10 second of the video clip. Isn’t he amazing!! The best performance of the year by far!! He brings drama, comedy and beauty to the screen!! Just give him the stupid Oscar now and don’t make anyone else go up against him!!

OMG MY DAD IS A STAR!!

I Am Famous

2011-11-09T13:33:00.001-06:00

One of the perks of Richard’s planet-destroying job is their ownership of suites at the AAC and Rangers ballpark. This means that when none of the important people want to go to Mavs/Stars/Rangers games, unimportant people like us can scoop up the leftover tickets.

The Stars are still in pre-season play, but I generally enjoy their games as well as the free dessert cart you get access to for showing up, so I agreed to go when Richard called to say he had tickets last week.

One of my favorite parts of any major sporting events is the Kiss Cam. I have no idea why I like watching, as anything beyond some 7th grad hand holding in public usually has me demanding that people get a freaking room, but I do.

All this time, I figured I would never have the opportunity to get shot down on a big screen of my own because:

I am 1 of like 50,000 fans in attendance. These are not great odds.

I don’t own any sports team shirts/jerseys outside of my giant collection of UT shit, and they seem to like people decked out in team gear.

I don’t dance, clap or audience participate in any way, and my normal observational face looks really pissy and mean.

We are always sitting in the snobby suite, and for totally understandable reasons, they would rather put boisterous fans in the regular seats up there.

I am totally fine with this, as Richard is super camera shy and has pretty much admitted the odds of him panicking and leaving me hanging are pretty high.

During the 2nd intermission, they announced that it was time for the Kiss Cam. I sat back and waited to see who was going to pop up. First couple shows up and kisses. Awww. Second couple does the same thing. Third couple pops up, and the guys shakes his head and looks the other way. Lady friend looks humiliated. I feel for her.

Then all of a sudden some dude who looks EXACTLY like Richard shows up with some chick with the biggest teeth I have ever seen in my life. Seriously, she looked like a horse and her posture was horrible. And she really needs to cut her hair, because her split ends were outta control.

It took a few seconds to register that not only were we up on the screen, but Richard was probably going to freak out and bolt if I didn’t act quickly. So I took fate into my own hands and attacked his face with a “kiss” that probably more closely resembled frantic CPR efforts. It was all over in about 5 seconds, but I think I may have fist pumped at the end.

As the camera moved on to the next couple, we both sank back in our chairs and sat there quietly for a few seconds basking in our new-found celebrity glory.

Then Richard asked if he really looked that pale in real life, and I told him I was sorry everyone in the arena now thought he was in an inter-species relationship with a pony.

The end.

Quote of the Day via Richard

2011-11-09T13:18:00.003-06:00

Me: I was just thinking, what if over time all the stuff I do that really annoys you just builds and builds and builds to the point where you fall out of love with me because you can’t take it anymore?

Richard: *sigh* Trust me, I’m pretty sure if that was a possibility it would have already happened by now.

Me: Okay.

5 minutes later…

Me: Wait what does that mean?!

Two times the crappy, grammatically incorrect ramblings!!

2011-11-09T13:14:00.000-06:00

So apparently people are still looking at this blog expecting an update, and because I'm a slave to my 4 readers (3 of whom are spam bots searching for porn), I thought perhaps I'd try posting my entries here as well as on my tumblr for those who didn't get the tumblr address. Or more accurately, for those who don't care about my stupid blog enough to spend 3 seconds typing out the new address.

These have all been posted over the last several months, and appear in totally random order.

Enjoy.

Just a quick story

2011-06-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

My Opa died over a year ago. I have really written much about it because I can't think of any words that would adequately express how important he was to me or what a great person he was in general. So because I'm

a) not a particularly great writer
b) even worse at writing about feelings and
c) lazy

I think I'll just jot down some of my favorite memories/stories about him as they come to me.

First one:

My Oma and Opa were both born and raised in Fredericksburg (of the peaches, yes). It's still a pretty small, quiet town today. I think they have one 2 screen movie theater that just went in a few years ago after decades without one. I also remember it being a HUGE deal when they got their first fast food joint and there being a general community outcry that Subway and McDonalds were somehow going to be the downfall of the entire town and possibly all of civilization.

Needless to say, there isn't exactly a lot to do when you're a teenager now, much less in the 40s.

I have never asked exactly how my Opa knew this, and he was smart enough to never volunteer the information, but apparently there was one prostitute in those days that lived on the outskirts of town. A crucial fact to know at this juncture in the story is that the entire town has one giant major road- Highway 290- that serves as Main Street and runs smack dab through the middle of town. That means pretty much all traffic moving through town has to come down this one road.

So one night my Opa (and I'm assuming some accomplices that were never named to keep them from being incriminated) was bored.

At the time there was some sort of construction happening on 290, and the barricades and detour signs had been left out overnight by the crew. Being the creative individuals that they were, they came up with a fantastic plan.

Fast forward a few hours.....

The town prostitute wakes up really confused to the sounds of cars and sees tons of headlights on her property. As she walks to the door, she sees that quite a few 18-wheelers and a handful of cars have all pulled into her driveway and more are coming by the minute.

It seems someone decided it would be a great idea to rearrange all of the construction signs along the highway to reroute all traffic into her front yard to help her get a few more customers :) How generous!

Song for Friday

2011-06-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

I've had this song stuck in my head on repeat for days. Now it can be stuck in your head too:

Some people send pics of cute things; I prefer pics of my dog taking a crap.

2011-06-10T11:58:00.001-05:00

Melissa: Check your inbox, I sent you a picture.
Richard: Is it of Emily shitting?
Melissa: OMG, how did you know?!
Richard: It just seems like something you would do.
Melissa: I'm both totally touched and creeped out by how well you know me....

So I guess to predict how I will act in any given situation, just pick the most random and disgusting option possible and that's usually it.

New Bon Iver album streaming....

2011-06-09T10:37:00.002-05:00

Here!!!!!!

Moving, Part I: Thank God the kitchen knives were in a box far out of my reach

2011-06-07T11:32:00.002-05:00

We've been in the new place for a week and a half, and the process is still ongoing. I feel like I'm in moving purgatory. It's seriously never ending. Never ending enough that I have to split this into 2 posts so that writing this doesn't end up being an hour long ordeal.

Despite our best attempts to make this thing as painless as possible, of course the exact opposite ended up happening. This is what I get for planning everything down to the most minute possible detail.

Everything started out great- Richard and I got the Uhaul and loaded all of his stuff and my stuff by ourselves and without incdident about 5 hours before the movers were going to meet us downtown to unload it. They had a 4-6 window during which they would show up, and we reserved 2 hours of time from then on.

My parents come up later that afternoon to be on hand for any little things we need help with and to help me clean my house for move out inspection. With R and I getting everything onto the truck, and the movers taking everything off, I told them they wouldn't have to do any heavy lifting. Famous last words. I am a liar.

I got a call from the movers at 4:40 PM saying they were a bit north of Irving and would be meeting us in 45 min to an hour. Totally fine and would still put them there during the 4-6 window. We take off for the new place.

We get the Uhaul downtown at 5:30 so that we have time to get it parked outside our building and unload some of the little stuff that got thrown onto the truck at the end. We start working, with my dad and R and I carrying up loads on the freight elevator and my mom guarding the truck outside. So it's 5:45, then 6, then 6:15, then 6:30. We're still moving loads up.

I call the movers and they tell me they've been downtown for 10 minutes, but they've brought a giant trailer with them from their last job, despite me explaining we live downtown and are moving in on a Saturday evening, so parking will be bad and they should only bring 1 vehicle that can be easily parked. Of course they can't find a parking space that will fit the trailer and their truck. So the driver plus the two guys who are supposed to move our stuff are just circling our block while we continue to work.

Finally they let one guy out at 6:40. Why the 2nd guy didn't also get out (or why they didn't just drop them off from the very beginning), I have no idea. At this point we've been working for over and hour and there's definitely not 2 hours worth of stuff left, so I'm pisssssseeeeddd. Like full on Stein Face of Doom (copyright Richard) unblinking death stare pissed and the mover is afraid to get near me, so he just stands off to the side talking to the driver on his phone.

At that point the driver tells him not to lift a thing til we pay him in full for the whole 2 hours. I send Richard off to the ATM down the street and ask if they can just get going now since he's on the way with the money. The driver says no. My mom gets on the phone and explains that the money is coming and they were late, so they really need to get started. He hangs up on her. I begin cursing loudly.

At this point the 2nd guy gets dropped off, and they feel so badly for how big a FUBAR the situation is becoming that they start moving stuff anyways. It probably helped that I pointed out my 57 year old parents, including my legally handicapped mother, were doing their job for them while they sat there watching like giant assholes. They finish in about an hour and fifteen minutes. So I'm stuck paying them for 45 minutes they didn't work AND my parents ended up having to help. When I call to raise hell the next day, the manager tells me she's so sorry and that driver already has several complaints on him and will be reprimanded. But it's kind of too little too late. Oh and she offered a $10/hr discount if we'll let them move us again. Um no, don't think so. Anyone moving in the DFW area- All Pro Movers- don't use 'em.

We finally got everything in the house, but by then we were just trying to get shit in there as fast as possible bc the Uhaul had to be back that night. So nothing was even in the general vicinity of where it needed to be. My parents and I spent the entire next day scrubbing my place to death and Richard worked on the box maze in the new place. We finished my place by Monday afternoon, and R and I got all the boxes unpacked and put away by Monday at around midnight, after beginning the entire process at 9 AM on Saturday. It was quite possibly the worst weekend of my life and I'm straight up refusing to move from this place for at least the next 2 years. I figure that's about how long it'll take me to stop being violently angry about the movers and get over the panic attacks that currently overtake me at the sight of a cardboard box.

End of Part I.

Now here is a random picture of me raping Richard's face while he looks 100% thrilled from the one night we've not been working on the Ikea project to be described in Part II:

Coming soon: Moving, Part II: Using Ikea as a measure of the strength of your relationship

The creepiest 7 minutes of your day

2011-06-02T11:21:00.000-05:00

1) I was 3 minutes into this video before I even realized it. Totally hypnotic.
2) This isn't that far off from what baby showers are actually like, which is why I hate them (as has been discussed in detail)
3) Just watch it.

Little pink houses for you and me

2011-06-02T10:40:00.000-05:00

I have been poking around on this site for the last half hour, and I'm totally fascinated by the tiny house concept. These people are living in 500 sq ft with a functioning kitchen, bathroom and bedroom that can accommodate a full size bed. And they have such ingenious storage solutions and use of space. I must have one.

Look at these:

http://www.littlediggs.com/littlediggs/2010/08/recession-special-home-workplace-in-ten-feet-by-forty.html

http://tinyhouseblog.com/timber-frame/seattles-timber-frame-fabcab/

We downsized from a 1400 sq ft place to a 930-ish sq ft place with this move, and it doesn't feel cramped at all. Perhaps I need to convince R that we can totally do 550 next time....

2011-05-26T22:25:00.000-05:00

I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING
I HATE MOVING I HATE MOVING

Twister

2011-05-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

I am currently waiting to come out of the closet (har har har) that I have been stuck in for the last 20 minutes with 4 animals while my place gets pounded by hail and possible tornadoes. This is not fun, and one of these assholes just farted. This is so not the way I wished to go out :) At least Emily was thrilled with my choice of the pantry for our emergency weather shelter. Tornado snacks!!!

Why I am forced to lock the door every single time I go to the bathroom

2011-05-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

Richard: "I know you want some sort of unique proposal that isn't totally generic and lame."
Me: *suspicious sideye*
Richard: "I'm thinking I'm going to do it when you're on the toilet. I figure no one has done that before so it will be special."

Questions?

2011-05-20T15:12:00.000-05:00

Can you make a specific post viewable only to approved readers on here, or is it an all or nothing type of deal?

He's offensive, but totally correct

2011-05-17T20:56:00.003-05:00

Discussing the Edgefest concerts we'd been to over the years:

sparklepants83: michelle and talley and i went to the 2007 one
sparklepants83: killers were great

sparklepants83: MCR, AFI, muse, blue october, bowling for soup and say anything

sparklepants83: i was thrilled

dest2KO: yeah, the only problem with afi is that you have to be surrounded by fat pale girls who aside from loving davey havok won't admit their inner juggalo
sparklepants83: man i wish we'd gone to the 05 show
sparklepants83: jimmy eat world, sum 41 and unwritten law for me

sparklepants83: chevelle and papa roach and breaking benjamin for you

dest2KO: no, i do not want to be associated with liking that weird niche of music listened to by tattoo'ed garage metal-rednecks

Working 9-5

2011-05-10T15:44:00.001-05:00

All of the articles I read in my lady mags say the secret to not wanting to take a dirt nap every day when you drag your ass to work is doing something you really like. But here is the problem.

This is a list of things I really like to do:

1) Snatch homeless animals off of the street or out of the pound on the day of their scheduled execution (I could do it several days beforehand, but it's so much more dramatic to do it with hours left instead)

2) Listen to tons of hipstery music and then illegally copy it and make mix CDs that I force on all my friends in some sort of aggressive music-rape.

3) Spend hours googling videos of animals doing cute things. Post them on my facebook page. Get offended if people don't comment on how cute my find was.

4) Spend hours looking at videos of animals in attack mode so that I can copy these moves when I fight Richard every weekend.

5) Compulsively update my 20+ online retail wishlists in preparation for my Christmas list starting Jan 1 each year.

6) Play soccer in my geriatric person league in Euless.

And I just don't think there's really a market for any one of those pastimes, much less all 6. So that means I'm pretty much doomed to stab people with needles and play with spit for the rest of my life, which is really depressing to think about.

So basically, I need to find a really rich person who's also lazy and interested in the same things as me. Then I can do all the things we are both interested in for money so that they don't have to. Then we can both be happy and I won't have to kill myself. Is that really so much to ask?

Damn You Autocorrect

2011-05-06T12:10:00.000-05:00

R: Damn, the guy selling those clothing racks lives really far out there. I guess I'll go pick them up tomorrow after work.
M: Where does he live?
R: 10 min west of Vagina.
R: Saginaw, fucking autocorrect....

2011-05-03T13:05:00.000-05:00

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy." -Jessica Dovey

"Are we seeking power for power’s sake? Or are we seeking to make the world and our nation better places to live. If we seek the latter, violence can never provide the answer. The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Skip over this one if you're looking for strap on stories or goat videos

2011-04-27T09:52:00.001-05:00

Quickly:

Take that, Tea Party assholes. It's ridiculous that a bunch of bullshit based on rumors and lies came to this, but perhaps you can all STFU up now and focus on pulling this country out of the crapper. In case you haven't noticed, we're sucking mightily across the board at the moment, and it ain't getting any better if your entire platform is "Fuck the poor and the elderly, but let me keep my money. Oh and all presidents of color must be held to standards no one before them had to adhere to."

Oh and how about we close down Gitmo now that we officially know people are being held there indefinitely with no factual evidence and oftentimes based on the confirmed lies of a pot dealer. Word? Word.

Go fuck yourselves.

-M

PS: Donald Trump, you are everything that is wrong with this country. Take some viagra, fuck your trophy wife and stay out of the political arena. You are embarrassing.

:::UPDATE:::

By far the funniest and most accurate thing I have read on this hot, steaming turd of a situation:

"The people, unlike Donald Trump, who genuinely believe Obama is a secret Kenyan assassin plotting to turn the Constitution into Sharia Law wouldn't be convinced he’s an American if they watched him be birthed on Texas soil in the backseat of a Chevrolet filled with apple pie. The guy could spear Osama Bin Laden through the chest with a bald eagle, yelling “Free markets, HOOOOO!” and they’d still be sitting there going, “Yeah, I dunno. Maybe if he didn’t have black skin. Not trying to be racist!”"

Highlights of a weekend in Tyler to celebrate my mom's birthday

2011-04-26T14:28:00.000-05:00

ALTERNATE TITLE: Why you shouldn't treat your dogs like people: they will become assholes.

1) 2 new stick-on-mustaches to add to my collection. It's amazing how much joy I get out of a $.50 piece of adhesive facial hair (and how much it disturbs Richard, which is a bonus). Helllooooooo, ladies.

2) Time with my parents. I miss them and stuff :( No one else will discuss UT football, the History Channel and farts with me the way my dad can. And no one is as fun to talk with and wander around a store with for a few hours as my mom. Plus they both think I'm funny, which is a nice change of pace from certain boyfriends who shall remain nameless.

3) Mini hotel vacation with The Associate.

4) Emily once again making it clear that she needs a far nicer home than the slum I force her to live in.

She not only refused to set foot on the floor, but would only sleep with her head on a pillow while Richard cuddled her. Proof:

And God forbid she not have her precious rawhide with her at all times. Unfortunately she refused to go and get it. Instead she spent 5 minutes staring at it on the floor and growling until I finally gave up and retrieved it for her just so she'd shut up. Well played, Emily. Well played.

Finally, when she got tired of sleeping on the bed, she would go hang out in the recliner. Apparently she's too good to sleep on the floor like every other dog in the world. Richard is now giving serious thought to buying her her own recliner. This is why she's a snobby bitch.

Band Of Horses

2011-04-26T13:16:00.002-05:00

I forgot to post this 3 weeks ago, but better late than never. We went to see Band of Horses and it was fantastic. Especially bc we had seats and didn't have to stand in the pit for the entire show, which was appealing to my crotchety old lady side. Regardless of the seating situation, they are fantastic and I adore them. The end.

I sweat a disturbing amount when I run

2011-04-21T18:37:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what happened, but I just broke my 3 mile block and churned out 5.5 miles in addition to my usual elliptical-ling. I feel slightly less fat. That is all.

WTF, Mom?

2011-04-20T11:44:00.000-05:00

Signed the lease, box hoarding tendencies vindicated

2011-04-18T14:27:00.000-05:00

The lease has been signed, and there are officially 5 1/2 ish weeks until we move. This time we're heading to Fort Worth and living downtown in a building directly across the street from R's place of work. That means I no longer get to do the 5 min bike ride to work, but it seems to be a pretty fair trade off if I no longer have crackheads knocking on my door at 11 pm asking me if I have any gas in my apartment (Um yeah, of course I do!! Just let me get the flammable container I store it in from my stove.)

And as I always say in any post about a new apartment- moving is the single worst thing in the entire history of the world (aside from like the Holocaust and that "Arms Wide Open" song by Creed). I have purged my belongings of things I no longer need, but I feel certain that Richard won't understand why 50 pairs of shoes and upwards of 20 dresses made the cut. This will of course lead to a giant fight with me dramatically throwing myself over a pile of clothes to prevent anyone from taking them from me (while no one actually wants or tries to take them) as I try to convince Richard that he really doesn't need anything more than a foot of closet space if he'll just really cram it in there efficiently.

Anywho, this is the place:

Another obnoxious post while I'm on a roll

2011-04-13T12:24:00.000-05:00

I will be the first one to admit that probably 75% of vegetarians and vegans are totally obnoxious. Like in-your-face, why won't you convert like me because I'm so righteous and superior to you, who are a horrible animal killing demon obnoxious. In my opinion, that's just as bad as the rednecks who think it's cool to aggressively demand that I explain my motivations for not eating meat or believing in hunting only to tell me I'm an idiot who "just doesn't get it" (Um hey guys, most of my family hunts and I spent tons of time on their farm observing the entire process and hearing why it was important from my grandparents. I get it, I promise). I try really hard to not get preachy when people ask me to explain my motivations, and to accept that what one consumes is a completely personal choice. And I would never ask someone to forgo meat around me or judge them in any way for eating it.

While I'm okay with explaining my beliefs to someone who's genuinely interested, I feel like any time someone wants to "question" me on it, it's the same discussion I've had over and over and over that's just a thinly veiled attempt to catch me admitting to eating something that has some secret ingredient that ACTUALLY COMES FROM ANIMALS!!! *GASP*. I guarantee you every conversation goes something like this:

No, I do not eat gelatin. Yes, I know it comes from horse hooves and animal cartilage.
Yes, I try to stick with synthetic/non-leather shoes and purses, with the exception of my soccer cleats only because I haven't been able to find a synthetic pair that was made in anything over child-size.
No, I do not believe plants have feelings, and I'm pretty sure my Biology degree will back me up on that one.
Yes, I know that fish and seafood do not have a nervous system capable of feeling pain like mammals, but I choose not to eat them bc I cannot imagine suffocating to death or being boiled alive are pleasant experiences. To be fair, when we suffocate it doesn't hurt in a technical sense. But still, not being able to breath is an incredibly upsetting sensation.
No, I don't squash bugs and try to capture and release them outside if at all possible.

Have I slipped up on accident and consumed some type of animal product in the 12 years since I stopped eating meat? Absolutely. Is it upsetting? Of course. But in my opinion, it's the effort and the intention that matter. And I don't think that 12 years of attempting to eliminate animal flesh from my diet and clothing is all for nothing if I didn't realize that "natural flavoring" is another word for castoreum, which is made from the anal glands of beavers (which I just learned today via Rocky). Yummy :)

The thing is, I recognize that this is a pretty drastic course of action for a person and I do not expect anyone else to do it just because I think it's right.

I always struggle to explain to people why I feel so strongly about sticking with this course. My primary objection is to the manner in which animals raised for human consumption or their byproducts are treated. Factory farming is a horrible, inhumane practice that is largely unregulated by a country that ironically enough, prides itself on sending Michael Vick to the slammer for running a dog fighting ring. If animals were allowed to live in healthy, spacious conditions and killed in a humane way, I would have zero objection to eating meat. Personally, I still don't think I could go through with it just because I'm not comfortable asking anything or anyone to die for me. But I would consider it totally acceptable and okay for everyone else based on the fact that human beings are intended to be omnivores.

Getting to the point of what has become a very long and pointless b*tch fest, this article from 2006 does a very good job of explaining why I feel so strongly that I need to do this. Read it and perhaps my insane hippie tree hugging tofu loving stance will make a little more sense. Not that I expect anyone to adopt it, after all. Just maybe see where I'm coming from the next time you grill me on whether or not a carrot has feelings :)

Political Soapbox

2011-04-13T10:25:00.001-05:00

Okay so here's the deal: our economy is in the tank and our country is pretty much redefining "suck" on a daily basis. To fix this, there are going to have to be some decisions made that will fuck people over. And to make it fair, everyone needs to be fucked over. It's like teamwork. And if everyone will just shut the fuck up and stop bitching for a few years, I'm pretty sure things will start to get better. Let's face it, they can't get much worse.

So here's the overview of Obama's plan to reduce the deficit:

Key points:

lowering spending in Medicare and Medicaid
raising taxes on the wealthy
cutting defense costs.

Someone please explain to me why this is horrible and unfair? Medicare and Medicaid are Democratic babies, and they are going to face cuts. Same for the Republican baby that is defense spending. As for the rich paying an extra grand or so a year? I'm sorry but you're not going to get any sympathy from me, especially when their preferred method of dealing with this to date has been to pretty much eliminate medical care for the poor and elderly. Thank God they weren't on the Titanic...

So here's a quote from the article if you're too lazy to read it:

"The president is wading into a potential political thicket. Liberals fear he will propose cuts in prized Democratic programs like Medicare and Medicaid, the health care programs for older adults, the disabled and the poor, and in Social Security. Moderates worry that his plan could unravel bipartisan deficit-cutting negotiations. And Republicans already are poised to reject any proposal that includes tax increases."

This is exactly what's wrong with our country right now. No one is willing to compromise and everyone wants it their way at the expense of everyone else. Back to what I said earlier- to fix a sucky situation, EVERYONE has to suffer.

Another quote:

"In a preview, the White House said the speech aims to achieve "balanced" deficit reduction by keeping domestic spending low, reducing the defense budget, cutting excess health care spending in the nation's biggest benefit programs, and eliminating loopholes and breaks in the tax system."

Again, where is the horribly offensive idea in this? Cuts on both fronts, elimination of excess spending and no longer allowing for loopholes to screw the tax system? How is this bad?

I'm so riled up over this and so annoyed that anyone would try to logically argue against it. And the worst part of is that I can't do a damn thing to make a difference. *Sigh*

Oh and I need a herd of baby goats. The end.

2011-04-06T14:34:00.001-05:00

Credit Greg

Getting a jump on my Christmas list

2011-04-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

For anyone already looking for the perfect Christmas or birthday present for me, I humbly suggest these options:

1) My own championship arm wrestling trophy

2) This trophy with a giant sheep (I have no explanation, nor do I need one)

3) Gun pointing champion of law enforcement trophy

Engrave as you see fit, and they will be proudly displayed next to my annual pictures of the dogs wearing sweaters with Santa Claus.

2011-04-05T15:36:00.000-05:00

Randomness:

My grandparents on my mother's side are Marvin and Laura, but my grandmother has always gone by Larry for reasons I'm not exactly sure of. I always wonder when people send mail to "Marvin and Larry" or hear me mention them, if they wonder if I have 2 grandpas.

2011-04-04T16:04:00.000-05:00

OMG LITTLE SUSAN IS BLOGGING

Go there and all your dreams will come true.

Sexual harassment from the pets- just one of the many perks at Hotel Muenzler

2011-04-01T11:27:00.006-05:00

I totally forgot to mention the only exciting thing that happened this week- Little Susan (the preeminent female knife maker of Texarkana, TX) stopped by with her boyfriend for a little bit on her way back from Seattle!!

They flew in at 8 am after leaving Seattle at 1 am, so they crashed in my extra bedroom for a few hours before the drive home.

Susan absolutely knew what to expect upon booking a stay at Hotel Muenzler based on her past (incredibly uncomfortable and negative) experiences in my house. She used to change into gym clothes in my second bedroom before we worked out, and without fail Big Fat Emily would insist she be allowed in the room while she disrobed. Apparently she would stare intensely at her while she changed, but totally lose interest the second she was covered up. Lesbianish?

Now combine The Emily's voyeuristic tendencies with her fierce desire to make out with Richard/be in constant physical contact with him/kill anyone who dares to touch her bf, and I wasn't really sure how bringing Susan's bf in was going to go. I figured Emily would either enforce her strict "NO TOUCHING" policy (which applies to everyone but her) or try and mate with Michael. Either option sounds like a fantastic hotel stay to me: hands-above-the-waist religious school theme or slutty hotel madam role play, you know?

Apparently she was feeling a little frisky, and went with option 2. According to Susan, she spent the entire time they were there trying to squeeze herself between the two of them or standing inches from Michael's face while giving him sex eyes and growling provocatively. She's such a slut....

So, um anyone need to book a room for an upcoming trip to DFW?

Where would we be without youtube?

2011-03-31T18:14:00.004-05:00

Guess what Richard is getting as a wedding present??!!!!!!

Sidenote: The fact that I would absolutely do something like this and unleash it on the internet, resulting in his public humiliation, is probably why we aren't engaged. What a pussy....

How did this make it through editing?

2011-03-29T13:07:00.002-05:00

And for a change of pace, enjoy this:

My semiannual rant on why 95% of pregnant and engaged people piss me off

2011-03-29T11:33:00.012-05:00

One of the nice things about not being married or with child is that I get to observe all of my friends going through this and make note of things that either a) make me incredibly stabby or b) give me warm fuzzies.

There are generally a lot more tally marks in column A, but there are a few exceptions that make me think "that's the kind of soon-to-be-married person/parent I want to be". Shout outs to Lynds/Carl, Michael/Jen, Jose/Lesley, Lori and Katie (separately, although you would make a lovely lesbian couple) - you fall in that category.

That said, this is the kind of shit I will never do, because I don't want to make my friends hate me:

Refer to my fiancée or husband as my "hubbby" or my "soulmate". Use the word "preggers" or "preggo" (preggopotamus: copyright Lynds = totally fine). You wear this shirt and all I see is a giant target asking to be punched.

Post a series of 800 pictures in which my child only moves 1 inch in either direction and maybe blinks. I'm totally interested in a really cute pic every once in a while. I am NOT interested in 30 pics a day of your baby sleeping in the exact same position. ::EDIT:: I am amending this to include any detailed description of your kid pissing or shitting on you. If I want to see or hear about that, there is a ton of porn out there I would be downloading right this minute.

Do a countdown to wedding or childbirth before I'm about a week out from the day. Giving birth or getting married in 7 days? Mad props for making it that far- I'm stoked to hear it and I'll "like" your status. Knowing you are 284 days from getting married? It just reminds that I have 284 days to think of an excuse to not go, as you are already orbiting Planet My Wedding Is The Most Important Thing To Ever Happen and I will not be sucked in.

Post a timeline of my child's every move for days on end. It's a baby. They all sleep, eat, crap and cry. Although I know it's new and exciting for you, there is nothing groundbreaking or noteworthy about it to anyone else See Michael's flickr stream for an example of how to post pics of your kid in an awesome way that is not like being beaten over the head with a baby-shaped hammer. (He also makes me videos of his daughter calling me a butthole, which is fantastic as well)

Post status updates in the words of my unborn child, or even worse- make them a facebook account while they are still in utero

Example A: DO NOT DO THIS

Force my friends to play games at my baby shower. People hate them, okay? There is only so much squealing I can manage in one afternoon, and it ain't gonna happen if you make me smell the stinky doo.

Continuation of the above- I'm not really sure I get the point of a baby shower. If you need help buying all this stuff that isn't anywhere NEAR as expensive as having a baby, why are you having a baby in the first place? And if you don't need help buying that stuff, then why are you having a shower (or worse- multiple showers)? I understand moms/grandmas/chick friends want to buy cute things for the baby, and it's totally fine if they want to arrange a little get together to do that. But asking everyone else to buy you stuff because you got pregnant is just kind of weird to me....

Have a bachelorette party (side note- "bachelorette" popped up as a typo, and the only suggestion was "leatherette"?!?! I need to know more about this...). For one, I am too old to need to let off steam or have a last hurrah. If you've been with someone for more than a few years, you are already pretty much married. If you feel like you absolutely need to go get wasted and wear a penis on your head while you drunkenly stagger around screaming to get attention before you do it, then maybe you shouldn't be getting married?

End of rant. Send all hate mail accusing me of being a baby hating jealous hag who is going to die alone eating cat food to yourbabyisntthatcuteandyourhubbyisbanginghissecretary@gmail.com.

Were it not for this video, I might have pee pee'd my bed tonight....

2011-03-24T11:25:00.004-05:00

I'm so overwhelmed by all of the amazing things happening in this video that I have trouble focusing.

Do I pay attention to the amazing lyrics? Fat Gandolf over there on the right side? The cutting edge dance moves of the lead vocalist? His fierce jodhpurs? It's impossible to choose...

My love slave for life

2011-03-23T13:06:00.003-05:00

When I got to work today, I received a call from the office saying I had flowers waiting for me. My first thought was, "Oh shit, I've forgotten our anniversary." But then I realized it wasn't August and got really confused. Not my birthday... wasn't pissed at Richard so he had no reason to be apologizing.... Hmmm.

Luckily The Associate is super cool and sent me flowers for no reason. And the card read "Lillies for Adolf!!", which I appreciate, as a good heritage-based Nazi joke really waters down the otherwise overwhelming barf-factor of surprise romantic gestures. He gets me :)

Truth

2011-03-22T10:56:00.000-05:00

epicblade (4:28:04 PM): your facebook page is like craigslist

epicblade (4:28:11 PM): everyone on there, just being creepy

More surprises from my neighbors

2011-03-15T12:01:00.005-05:00

Update to the "Shit I Find Outside My House" list:

1) Bodacious Tatas Vol 4 (2 DVD set)

2) Box for a plus-size strap on

As always, I really really want to know who is walking around my neighborhood in the middle of the night transporting a plus size sex toy. And why couldn't they wait until they got home to take it out of the box? Too excited? Ready to use it right there? It seems like it would be kind of weird to carry it home without the box, right?

I can't help but think the thrower-awayer of porn, strap-on transporter and pants-leaver must be the same person with some freakish sex drive. That or my neighborhood has some secret sex cult that operates only at night and likes to litter. Regardless, I'll miss this when we move this summer. Every day is like an awesome adult-themed Easter egg hunt.

Look what I can do

2011-03-09T11:39:00.004-06:00

I remember how amazing I thought my parents were as a child just for being able to do the simplest things that were beyond me.

"OH MY GOD, YOU CAN TIE SHOES?!" (<---- real talk, I couldn't tie my own shoes until I think first grade)

It's only taken 28ish years, but the tables have finally turned a little bit. Over Christmas break, my dad and I watched a movie before bed most nights. After about the third night of him putting the DVD in the player and then sitting through all 18 previews, I finally realized that he wasn't actually interested in every single movie coming out in the next few months. He didn't realize there was a magical button on the remote that allowed you to skip through all the crap and took you directly to the main menu. I think the look on his face the first time I showed him was probably the same as 4 year old Melissa watching Dad tie her shoes.

I've also shown them how to use Netflix and Pandora radio, helped my dad set up an IPod, helped my mom set up a facebook, taught her how to use excel and am in the 2nd year of trying to show them how to use a digital camera and upload photos to their computer. At this point, they think I'm some sort of technological genius, and I don't plan on doing anything to dispel that idea.

Got sick, it wasn't AIDS, that's good

2011-03-08T15:35:00.003-06:00

I really suck at blogging. Luckily no one reads this, so I doubt it's even been noticed by all 2 of my readers.

I'm still too lazy to write up some huge deal about things that have happened in the last 4 months, so I'll just throw out quick stories every few days and hope that satisfies the intense demands of my mother and the anonymous spam bloggers who want to help me make a quick $10K with little to no effort on my part.

At the moment I am battling through my first ever case of the flu. Because my mother worked in a hospital before, during and after my (alleged) birth, I have inherited some beastly monster of an immune system. It's damn near impossible for me to get sick, despite my best efforts in the past just so I could have one stupid sick day a year off from school. Seriously, I had to resort to breaking my nose and getting surgery just to stay home. That bad.

Luckily, I work in a giant petri dish full of malnourished and irresponsible 18 year olds who I think spend all of their time making out with each other and not washing their hands. So someone was kind enough to cough some Flu A my way, resulting in my first real illness worthy of a day off from work/school since the 8th grade!!!

It really wasn't that bad, so I'm not sure what all the hoopla about the flu is every year. The worst part by far was having some sadistic PA at the Minute Clinic shove sharp cotton swabs covered in burning chemicals up my nasal passages to poke my brain as part of her flu diagnosis. Other than that, I just hung out on the couch from Friday afternoon until last night watching movies and reading with intermediate visits from a mask-clad Richard (who was convinced I had bacterial meningitis) to bring me pizza.

I still did my normal swimming/running work outs the entire week and didn't think I had anything but allergies until R forced me to the doctor on Saturday afternoon. And even after her test confirmed Flu A, I remained convinced it was a false positive and ran laps around the car to prove to R that I was ready for soccer the next day.

And I was totally ready!!! The thing I wasn't ready for was a direct shot to the right boob the second I stepped on the field for my first game. But after 30 seconds or so doubled over and coughing pieces of lung out, it wasn't so bad and I scored the game tying goal and had a couple of assists. WITH THE FLU. BEASTLY IMMUNE SYSTEM PEOPLE.

That's all I got.

Best Birthday Wishes By Far

2011-01-12T11:35:00.002-06:00

From Casey:

"Happy birthday, Melissa. May your day be filled with odorless spit and streets that are free of dying animals."

HO HO HO

2010-12-26T15:12:00.017-06:00

Random updates in the order they happen to come to me...

Richard got a shiny new job, and we got to enjoy some perks for one whole night before I was forced to drive back to Austin with all 4 pets. Luckily, my vet suggested I drug Kylie with dramamine before we set off, so she managed to not only stay in her crate with minimal whining for the entire trip, but also did not defecate or urinate on me or my car. Success!!

Back to the perks- I guess his company has executive suites to see the Cowgirls/Stars/Mavs/Rangers and impress important clients or something. Luckily, they don't always use all of their tickets, which means unimportant people like yours truly can snatch them up instead. So last Tuesday we got to go to a Stars game. Proof that I am not a liar (in this specific case):

The game was exciting and all, but I was far more int

o the free nachos and dessert cart. Shocking, I know.

The past few days have been spent wrapping the contents of every store in the Austin area, because my mom really likes to buy Christmas presents, but was at work, and my father wraps at the blistering pace of 2-3 presents per hour. When I was allowed a break from wrapping, my mom sent my dad and I on an endless series of errands that were all of the utmost importance. Because he cannot be trusted to do these properly, I get to tag along as sidekick and Official Enforcer of Mom's Rules.

Example:

Dad: "Okay, I got the tomatoes Mom wants for the salad."

Me: "Those are green."

Dad: "No they are not. I felt them; they are ripe."

Me: "You are red and green colorblind. You can't see the colors. Everything looks brown to you. Do not argue with me."

Dad: "But they feel fine....?"

Me: *feels tomatoes* "They feel fantastic. Excellent job. I'm just going to put them back on the shelf for a few weeks until they are ready."

Dad: "Okay..... :/"

Amazingly, we've managed to not f*ck up (#1 goal on Mom ordered errands) about 95% of the time.

Christmas Day was incredibly busy as always. Because both my dad's mother and my mom's mother live in the Austin area, we end up doing an at home Christmas with just the 4 of us followed by Christmases at both grandmas' places. Although I love them both dearly, by the time I've gone through about 12 solid hours of Christmas all I want to do is sit on my butt at home doing nothing.

I did at least try to make things interesting by refusing to take a single serious picture for the entire day and ruining as many other nice pictures as possible. Every time my sister tried to take a picture, I managed to sneak into the background and bomb her. I also used my magical ability to sense a camera about to take a picture to contort my face the second the flash went off without warning.

For your entertainment, A Muenzler Family Christmas:

That's what she gets for demanding my dad take upwards of 100 pictures of her so that she can find a new facebook profile pic.

I make Christmas awesome. Proof:

My parents can force me to take pictures modeling my presents, but they can't stop me from peeking out from behind furniture like some sort of under bridge creature while doing so.

For some reason that I can't fathom, my dad didn't really like the pictures shown above and asked for one serious photo. I gave him this Awkard Family Photo Kneeling Armshelf Masterpiece. He was still unsatisfied, but said it would do. Damn right.

And that's all I've got. Seeing as how I'm still here fore several days while Richard is on a business trip somewhere out in the middle of the New Mexico desert, I'm sure something else ridiculous will happen and I will update accordingly. Hope your Holidays were as painless as can be expected and the gift items fully compensated for your suffering.

Karmic retribution for my past life as Hitler continues

2010-12-14T14:15:00.001-06:00

Things that are awesome: when your neighbor's house somehow starts flooding, but they are afraid to call the landlord bc they think they did something to cause it, which makes the flood spread to your apt and the apt next to you. Then you can all spend 2 hours bailing water out of your house in the 30 degree weather!!

*Bonus points if you discover the flood at 6, the landlord's office is closed and their on call maintenance person is out sick and therefore doesn't check the screeching messages you left on their answering machine all night and starting at 8 am the next morning.

*Extra bonus points if 1 of their 3 maintenance dudes is in the hospital, causing the other 2 to be super backed up and pushing back any sort of repair at least another day.

Bestest day evvvaarrrrrr!!

DOUBLE DREAM HANDS!!!

2010-12-09T14:48:00.002-06:00

Screw it, I'm quitting my job and going to find this guy so I can be in his dance troupe.

Melissa Muenzler: check your facebook. I need you to learn this dance and perform it with me.

Seussninja: regardless i'd love to Double Dream Hands with you

it would be an honor
Melissa Muenzler 2:39 pm
i'm worried my freestyle at the end won't stand up to his....
Seussninja 2:39 pm
i'll take care of it
Melissa Muenzler 2:40 pm
excellent
rocky's in too
we're hoping to have a performance ready in the next month or so
Seussninja 2:40 pm
my freestyle's floatly like a ghostly run D mostly toasty like a high snoop D

you realize this means we have to practice, right
Melissa Muenzler 2:41 pm
of course
probably 8-9 hours a day
Seussninja 2:42 pm
can do! its not like i have any friends
Melissa Muenzler 2:43 pm
that's fine, we'd have to cut off anyone outside the performance group anyways
Seussninja 2:46 pm
we can do weekends but i'd prefer not, its when i usually sit in my shower fully clothed the whole day
Melissa Muenzler 2:46 pm
i'm doubting your commitment to the double dream hands, greg...

2010-11-24T18:26:00.003-06:00

My boss passed away unexpectedly yesterday. I'm incredibly sad to have lost someone who always had my back and gave me unwavering support and help no matter what. I'm not sure what this means for me in terms of the lab continuing to run, so things are kind of in chaos at the moment. Not sure when the next update will be.

4 for 4

2010-11-09T16:07:00.006-06:00

I'm really really frustrated. I had to play in goal again on Sunday due to a last minute scheduling change that had 3 of our guys no show. We played with 5 people- 3 girls, and 2 guys. 7 are supposed to be on the field at a time. So not only were we 2 men down with no subs, but short a goalie. There is no way I would ever force anyone to play in goal at indoor- it really really blows. Unfortunately that means the duty usually falls on me if our keeper isn't there.

Of course I managed to throw out my back in the first 5 minutes of the game. LIKE BAD. By the time I finished my games it was spasming so hard that I'd get stuck in one position for 20 or 30 seconds at a time until my muscles unclenched and I could move again. Even getting into my car was bordering on physically impossible, and this was with a ton of icy hot smeared on the area and a thermacare heating belt on top of that. Side note: the belt also made it look like i was wearing a diaper. AWESOME!!!

I couldn't even tie my shoes or bend over enough to put on pants yesterday. I spent my entire Monday laying flat on my back in pain being really really really angry and pissed off and inappropriately blaming people for something that isn't totally their fault.

Should the other people on our team have checked the schedule the arena emails to them every week with the game time instead of relying on my mass texts? Yes. Is it their fault that my text only went through to like 3/4 of the team? No. Did I have to play in goal? No.... well someone had to....

I made it to work today, and definitely feel better than I did on Sunday or Monday. But I'm obviously out of the gym and pool for the rest of this week, and I'm not sure I'll be able to play this weekend. I'm probably at like 65% and have to be really careful when I do stuff as simple as shifting in my desk chair. This does not bode well. I guess if it isn't better by tomorrow night I need to schedule a doctor's appt and beg for muscle relaxers.

Ugh, I HATE BEING HURT.

Random non-whiny side note. Look at how much Maggie resembles the chupacabra!!!!!

Everything's gonna get better?

2010-11-02T16:26:00.003-05:00

I finally did it. Well, kind of did it. And by "it", I mean I committed partial facebook suicide. (props to Jeff for coining the phrase)

I've limited the view-ability of a lot of my posts and comments for some time now, but I sat and thought about this at length today (it was a slow day at work). I decided it would be better to actually do something to diminish the stress that just logging on has been causing (I am SO aware of how lame it is that I was that effected by facebook) than to just whine and whine without taking action.

While my secret desire is to totally take down my profile and drop off the facebook grid, I do still enjoy looking at pictures my friends post, sharing funny links and leaving notes for my grandmother and mom on their walls. What I didn't enjoy was worrying that a link I shared might offend someone that I don't ever speak to, or reading viewpoints- political, social, or otherwise- that I found disturbing and offensive.

Over the years I've seen people essentially liveblog the demises of their marriages, or have very personal fights with family members or friends in a very public way. The amount of voyeurism involved not only made me question what the hell was wrong with them, but also why I was following it on the threads.

So, the change has been made. People I didn't care to keep up with or really talk to were dropped. People I remained friends with, but drove me crazy with their constant updates/political craziness/baby spam, were blocked from the feed. And my posts, comments and pictures are now only viewable to a few people that I feel comfortable seeing what a liberal, crass, dinosaur-imitating, confrontational she-beast I am.

That said, totally new issue: I've been feeling incredibly disillusioned and pessimistic about the state of this country and where it's heading, but this guy gives me a small shred of hope:

We need more people like him.

I will not be stopped!!!

2010-11-02T12:21:00.004-05:00

Email to my father this morning:

I am all pumped up about voting today. I went through the Dallas paper's nifty little online guide to the candidates in each election last week and printed out my ballot and everything. Of course it's raining. This is undoubtedly the work of the Republican party in a last ditch effort to stop me from casting my meaningless vote after un-registering me didn't work. Once they realize the rain won't deter me I'm sure there will be snipers in the bushes trying to take me out on the 5 block bike ride to the polling place. Might need to get into camo fatigues and paint my face before taking cover in a potted plant once I reach the destination...

Ghosts, goblins and the walking dead (that would be me post-soccer)

2010-10-31T17:56:00.003-05:00

I absolutely love this time of year. During the span of time between Halloween and Christmas it's almost impossible for me to ever be in a bad mood. I love the holiday commercials, the decorations when you go to the mall, the songs on the radio, decorating my house and watching all of the classic movies. (When Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin came on this week I went into spastic 2 year old mode). And while I love Halloween, I'm almost more excited about the candy going on sale tomorrow than I am about handing it out to kiddos tonight. :)

I am still managing to find new and inventive ways to hurt myself on a weekly basis at soccer. Our normal goalkeeper didn't show up today, so our back up went in for the first half. I know he really doesn't like playing there, so I took over for the second half to let him play on the field. I am happy to report I didn't totally suck, and they didn't score on me once. I am unhappy to report that I blocked a shot with my fingers instead of my palms, so 2 of the fingers on my left hand kind of hurt a lot. I'll see if I can go 4 injuries/4 weeks next Sunday. Yay... : /

I think that's all I got.

Happy Halloween!!

Love and marriage, love and marriage

2010-10-29T22:16:00.003-05:00

Friday night 6 years ago: Shave my legs, blow dry my hair, meticulously apply make up, put on good underwear, get all dressed up, go to a bar with Richard and spend the entire night SO EXCITED about my brand spanking new boyfriend.

Friday night now: Legs haven't been shaved in several days, wearing soccer shorts and a tshirt, hair in ponytail, whatever make up is still on from work this morning, watching TV and farting around on the interwebs while Richard sleeps next to me spooning Big Fat Emily.

This is what you have to look forward to, kids!!

On the plus side, he bought me pizza today and I totally ate all of it. 6 year ago I would have eaten a slice or two and claimed to be full. Now I'm all "nom nom nom nom nom FEEEEEED MEEEE!!!"

Homeboy got thrown out of the game at least....

2010-10-26T17:14:00.002-05:00

Another broken toe, totally messed up foot and a sore neck from being thrown headfirst into a plexiglass wall at soccer : / Out of the gym and pool for at least this week *sigh*

Truth

2010-10-22T14:41:00.000-05:00

Via The Onion

Democrats Could Lose Up To 8,000 Seats In Upcoming Midterm Election

WASHINGTON—According to recent media reports, Democrats stand to lose as many as 8,000 congressional seats and more than 917 gubernatorial races in November's midterm elections. "Republicans are poised to pick up 1,500 seats in Ohio alone, and could wind up with a 23,576-to-12 majority in the Senate," Beltway observer Isaac Hundt said Wednesday, noting the GOP's advantage is likely to increase by Election Day given that its candidates are outspending their opponents by some $900 trillion. "With Democratic disapproval ratings in the quadruple digits, it's a foregone conclusion that Republicans will not only retake Congress, but hold it for the next 20,000 to 25,000 years." Experts also predicted the one-sided election results would cause Barack Obama to die on the spot, at which point the nation's leading conservative talk-radio host would be sworn in as president of the United States forever.

For realz, my dad is so cool

2010-10-21T10:43:00.002-05:00

Email exchange from this morning:

Me: You in the office today or off Chuck Norris-ing in the field?

My dad: Chuck Norris is my bitch. I'm in office today teaching pieces of paper who's boss and wondering why the clock is so damn slow.

Wussies. They'll learn.

2010-10-20T12:29:00.002-05:00

Note to self:

Walking into a grad student office with a needle and announcing, "I need blood." scares the crap out of the new grad students.

Additional note to self:

Walking into a grad student office with a tourniquet on my arm and a pen mark over my vein before asking a 3rd year student if they would please just stick the needle in right where the mark is also terrifies them.

Life with Richard

2010-10-18T10:37:00.002-05:00

"So how did your gyno appointment go? Did they find any critters in there?"

AMEN

2010-10-08T16:17:00.003-05:00

http://stopadvertisingfrompullingatrain.info/

Michael posted this link today and I am 100% on board. I can't remember the last time I had the radio on for more than 10 minutes without my ears being assaulted by that voice. Were it possible to give my first born in support of the cause, I would. That is how much I despise that godawful song.

Now if someone else could start campaigns to stop these songs from ever being played again, all would be good in the world:

1) Creed- Arms Wide Open
2) Anything by The Fray
3) Los Lonely Boys- Heaven
4) Santana/Rob Thomas- Smooth
5) Anything by The Pussycat Dolls.
6) Train- Meet Virginia (quite possibly my least favorite song of all time)

Just a few notes from any of those songs, and I transition immediately into full on stabby mode. It's really a matter of public safety.

I already heard The National and Frightened Rabbit on the CW this week (please don't ask why I was watching programming for 12 year old girls- I have no good reason), so I will soon have to forfeit them to the screaming masses of teenage girls. They already used Matt and Kim in the Community promos last year and whatever new product Apple is shilling is inevitably accompanied by a song from a band I love. It's just not fair :( MAKE IT STOP!!!

Ooh ooh ooh ooh aah aah aah aah

2010-09-26T20:57:00.006-05:00

I found the foster pup an awesome home with a brother who loves to play AND a backyard. Drove her home this weekend.

Work has been insane.

Soccer has been insane.

I have been eating enough Indian food to become an honorary Indian.

Parents up next weekend to visit/watch me play/watch OU vs UT/go to the State Fair (my first time despite having lived here like 4 years).

Random aside:

Richard found some olive green 1970s rotary phone in his garage. It still works, so we plugged it in and have been calling each other while we're both in his room, about 5 feet apart. He pretends to be a 1960s drug lord, but every time I try to place my order he tells me I'm a cop and hangs up on me.

That's seriously how boring we are.

Oh and CONGRATS TO LYNDS, who is expecting her 4th kiddo :)

Pictures of the foster pup

2010-09-03T11:06:00.004-05:00

I'm calling her Sasha, as "OMG stop eating that book right now you asshole!" was a bit long. Aside from the one dead book, she's been totally awesome. She's picking up potty training really well, plays well with all the other dogs at the park and is I think losing some of the separation anxiety.

Anyway, if anyone stumbles across this and would be interested in adopting her, let me know. 9 months old, up to date on shots, heart worm negative, comes with her own crate/harness/leash/toys.

The card I bought him was about farting- pretty typical romance from me

2010-08-30T15:29:00.004-05:00

Six years ago today, I was dragged to a party in Lubbock by two girls in my apartment complex. I didn't want to go and looked like crap.

When we got there, one of the girls pointed out a guy in the corner and announced that she wanted him. I gave him the once over, said he wasn't my type and looked like a giant douche.

He followed me to the bathroom and struck up a conversation. I questioned his sexuality. We hung out for the rest of the night, when walked me back to my apartment and sat on my front stoop for an hour letting Big Fat Emily growl at him continuously. I was far too intoxicated to remember his name and didn't even give him my number.

Luckily he'd put himself on my IM buddy list, and we've been dating for the past 6 years :)

Happy Anniversary, RTH II :)

Thing 1 and Thing 2

2010-08-27T11:57:00.004-05:00

Thing 1:

A couple of weeks ago my neighbor found a youngish dog running around in the street and took her to his house to avoid the whole getting run over by a car thing. After some extensive neighborhood canvassing, he couldn't find anyone who had even seen her before, much less claimed her. So he's been holding onto her since then, but told me he couldn't do it for more than a week or two.

Because I am a giant sucker, I agreed to help him try and find a place for her. Unfortunately, every single no kill shelter I contacted (and by contacted I mean begged them to take her and offered to make a donation or pay for her shots) didn't have any room.

I put up ads on craigslist, spread her picture on facebook and even talked her up to random strangers at work, but no dice. I had 3 separate people all set up times to come see her and then either no show or bail at the last second. It has kind of bummed me out to realize most of the people out there just don't really care about animals at all : /

I refuse to drop an unvaccinated, unfixed, stray dog off at the city pound, so it appears I'll be fostering her until we can find her a permanent home.

Today she's getting all of her shots and we'll be bringing her home to meet the current pets. I'm hoping it goes smoothly... but knowing Big Fat Emily and her attitude... eek?

If anyone in the Austin/Tyler/DFW areas knows of anyone who'd like a totally vaccinated and adorable 10ish month old pup, let me know. Here's a pic.

Adopt this dog and all of your dreams will come true. If you don't, ghosts will haunt you forever.

Thing 2:

Hypothetically speaking, if I were a grad student who didn't know how to run my own samples for my thesis and/or dissertation, I would go out of my way to be nice to the person doing it for me. I wouldn't, I dunno... change my deadlines, not know what samples I needed or had, spam them with samples at the last minute, mislabel my samples, continually bring them more samples then the originally agreed upon number, and then have my mentor send them super passive aggressive emails when they bring up the problems all of my mistakes were causing. Just a thought. Totally hypothetical of course.

Happy Anniversary to Richard and Emily

2010-08-25T11:08:00.005-05:00

I got so sucked into my rant that I forgot to mention the anniversary/Richard bday hotel stay was last weekend.

We had fun and I wish we'd been able to stay longer. I feel like I'm not being mushy/excited enough about this, but it's been 6 years and I'm not only lazy but not particularly sentimental.

More importantly, Big Fat Emily was finally able to live in the level of luxury she feels she so desperately deserves. This is exactly what she looked like for most of the weekend.

She will locate the exact middle of a king size bed and then stretch out in the position that takes up the maximum possible amount of space. And once she's in place, she transitions into dead weight mode and refuses to move until the rest of us just give up and sleep around her.

It also appears her creepy attachment to Richard is not going to fade with age. He still wakes up in the middle of the night to find her laying on the pillow next to him, staring intensely. She still growls, barks and tries to physically move between us if I hug him for longer than 5 seconds. I'm not totally convinced she won't figure out some way to kill me in my sleep and take my place.

When we took them home on Sunday she was visibly disgusted when she had to go back to my obviously inadequate house. No room service, merely a queen bed, no boyfriend. Life is hard for the Emily.

And just so that I don't leave out Maggie, here you go- she is obviously very very excited to be in the hotel.

I'm done

2010-08-24T11:08:00.005-05:00

I'm so done with baby showers and weddings. And to anyone reading this who has had a baby shower or wedding that I attended, please do not take offense. I wanted to be there. But I stand by my right to just be completely over the rest of them in lieu of recent events.

Let's face it, we care about stuff that directly involves or effects us. And in all honesty, I don't even really care that much about a lot of stuff that directly involves me anyway. So for the most part I do not give a shit about the weddings or baby showers of people I haven't seen in years.

While I'm sure this is the most amazing time in the world for them and I'm excited that they're excited, I really do not need someone berating me for not commenting enough on the 35 pictures they just uploaded of their ring or not showing enough interest in their new pregnancy-induced craving for brussel sprouts. This is only amplified when I log onto facebook and get involuntarily spammed with picture after picture and status after status of this stuff.

I really don't mind attending these events for close friends and family. I'm truly happy when anyone I consider a good friend gets hitched or has a kiddo. Just ask Michael- I pestered him relentlessly when he and Jenn were pregnant. And you can bet I'll be beating down Susan's door to help plan her bachelorette party when she gets married. But here's the difference- I consider them good friends and they maintain a relationship with me year round- not just when they have some sort of gift-receiving event in the works.

I haven't even hung out with half of the people sending me save the dates in years, usually because they started bailing on every friend they had the second they got a boyfriend. And I would consider most of the people demanding my presence at their baby showers more acquaintances than friends. We definitely don't hang out or talk on even a semi-regular basis.

In some cases, I don't mind shelling out for the gift and showing up just because it's the nice thing to do, especially if it's like a friend of Richard's or something. But if I'm expected to throw down $100 a pop and then put on a convincing show of being SO THRILLED that someone I hardly speak to is having a baby/getting married, they could at least pretend that they're happy we showed instead of making it really obvious they just wanted to maximize the size of their haul. Lord knows there are a ton of things I'd rather do with my weekends.

And before I'm accused of being some jealous, bitchy c*nt- I'm all smiles the entire time at these things. It's not like I'm sitting in the corner checking my watch and glaring at any baby in sight. I play the stupid games that everyone hates, mingle, oooh and ahhh over the other gifts, tell the bride she looks absolutely beautiful- all of it.

I could probably deal with this better if it was something that came up once or twice a year. But this year alone, I'll attend 5 baby showers and 2, possible 3 weddings. I consider roughly half of the people throwing these good friends. Not to be a bitch, but that's like more than a grand in presents that I could really use elsewhere. Biology doesn't exactly pay a lot. Not to mention that I have to work my weekends, trips home and soccer games (ie stuff I give a shit about) around all of these. Again, I don't mind for people I care about, but it's the other people. And I'd bet you money they'll be conveniently busy or unreachable when our time comes around.

At one in the past, not only did the person the event was for not even acknowledge my presence (seriously, not even a hello when I showed up or a goodbye, thanks for coming when I left) but didn't even say thanks for the gift until I got the thank you note like a month later.

And this is my new personal favorite- I can't make it to whatever celebration is in the works, so the host just says, "Fine." and emails me their registry and where to send the gift (totally unsolicited on my part). They couldn't even eek out a fake, "Oh no, I really wanted you to be there!"? Why bother with the formality of an invite. Just send me a note asking for a present and save us both the effort.

I know that you're not supposed to give a gift and expect anything in return. But at the same time, I thought the purpose of these weddings and showers was to spend time celebrating an important event with the people you care about- not to get as many presents as possible and cram a room full of people you don't know or care for. I don't even plan on having a wedding registry, as I've lived on my own since I was 18 and bought pretty much everything I needed over the years. Plus, I don't feel at all comfortable asking people to buy me shit.

I guess one good thing that's come out of all of this is that I've had ample time to see exactly what I don't want to be like when my time comes.

End of rant.

Look, it's a dancing panda!!!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Full of Win

2010-08-11T19:17:00.001-05:00

Take your pick, both rock:

Woman Too Excited About Arrest On TV - Watch more Funny Videos

2010-08-09T11:15:00.001-05:00

Neat and Tidy

2010-08-08T23:12:00.002-05:00

I admit that I am kind of a nazi about cleaning and organization. My closet is arranged according to type of clothing and then color coordinated within each subgroup. While this gives me great pleasure, I'm totally aware that not everyone else feels really out of control if there is laundry in the dryer for longer than an hour/their bills are not filed in a specific order/etc.

One of the side effects of this OCD is that I feel compelled to clean and organize any time I'm at my parents' or Richard's houses. I would probably go after other people's houses as well if I thought they'd be at all receptive.

Today Richard walked in on me about halfway through folding a pile of clean tshirts, the bed linens already stripped. He sat down to watch me finish up (in his defense, I wouldn't let him try and "help" if he offered) while he ate. Usually my organizational undertakings are done in secret and at a rapid pace, as he kind of sort of hates it. But much to my surprise...

"I really like this whole you clean while I eat pie and watch thing... We should consider doing it more often."

Ass lol.

Huzzah!!!!

2010-08-07T00:33:00.005-05:00

My dad says his feelings are deeply hurt that he ended up on the last post twice, so I promised to say something nice.

I am glad he didn't make me towel his back sweat again.

There.

Awesome things that have also happened during my vacation:

1) My dad and I successfully completed our first joint home decor project. My parents' house is straight out of the 70s- wood paneling and all. It's my goal in life to rip down the paneling, but my dad has some weird emotional attachment to it. About the best I can do is cover as much of it as possible when he's not loooking.

A few months ago I got a super cheap mirror with a really nicely detailed, antique-y looking frame. Even better: it was HUGE and would take up a significant amount of wall. I got some cheap floating shelves at Target earlier this week, and after a few cans of spray paint they and the mirror frame are now almond and match the couch beautifully. Huge amounts of the paneling are covered and the mirror really opens up the room. Yes, I watch far too much HGTV.

My dad and I decided before undertaking all of this that our primary 2 goals were "do not fuck up" and "do not make mom mad". We managed to accomplish both, so I'd say this was a raging success. Maybe we'll get our own show now. Or not.

2) Got to hang out with Lily, aka the most awesome child ever. She not only gave me a special bandaid, but also taught me how to do a "Wonder Woman Spin". This is a huge improvement over the last time I saw her, when she informed me repeatedly that her "mommy and daddy would be right back" for the first 10 minutes she was left alone with me.

3) I have had internet access AND cable TV for a whole week. AND it was Shark Week. Enough said.

Back to DFW tomorrow night, followed by 2 soccer games and time at R's house on Sunday. I'm giving serious thought to wrapping Kylie in a trash bag for the entire ride.

Vacation, all I ever wanted?

2010-08-05T11:57:00.008-05:00

Lots of my friends are on vacation right now. A few are cruising around the Gulf of Mexico in big, fancy boats. A few are on cross country roadtrips. As you know, I am also on vacation. The highlights so far:

1) I've been defecated, urinated and vomited on by a very angry Kylie kitty on the car ride home. Because she's awesome and obviously a secret mathematical genius, she waited until exactly the halfway point of my trip to unleash her double ended fury, thereby maximizing the amount of time I'd have to spend in a car full of shit/piss/vomit. It kind of looked like this, but worse:

And then remember there were 2 dogs and another cat in the car at the same time. They all spent the rest of the trip cowering in the backseat, obviously fearing for their lives while I was left to fend for myself in the front seat.

2) I have supervised countless potty breaks for the six (yes, six) dogs in the house right now. They range from 20 lbs to 110 lbs, 2 of them have the runs, and one likes to eat his own vomit. It's like trying to herd 100 retarded feral cats.

3) I was forced to towel off my father's sweaty back after he and I spray painted some stuff in our front yard.

Remember, I have strong suspicions he is the missing link. So when envisioning what it's like to towel off my dad, make sure Imagination Randy has a super hairy back. And sweats a lot. And then feel sorry for me. It was like trying to wipe down a giant gorilla wrapped in a slip n' slide in the middle of the Sahara, except in public where other people could witness the humiliation and not anywhere near as cool, because sadly, my dad isn't a gorilla.

And for the record, I really really really did not want to do this and made it clear, but he was insistent and my mom was asleep. It went like this:

Dad: Can you please wipe down my back? It's really sweaty.

Me: No.

Dad: Please? I can't reach it.

Me: No.

Dad: Why not? Mom does it for me and she'll get mad if I sit on the furniture when I'm sweaty.

Me: I'm not married to you. It's disgusting. I won't yell if you sit on the couch. Still no.

Dad: Please.....?

Me: FINE!!!!!! *flails towel blindly at my dad's back with my eyes scrunched shut and standing as far from him as physically possible while still making contact*

4) Spent a whole hour watching an infomercial shilling 10 cds worth of 50s and 60s country songs with my dad. He sang along with almost every song. Every. Single. Song. I believe this is the link, if you're curious. Also, why did all male country singers in the 50s dress like gay Mexican cowboys? For real- look:

You can start being super jealous of me now.... :/

"I'm not sure you want me to hold her- I prefer them a little older when they're harder to kill."

2010-08-02T10:53:00.005-05:00

Look look look!!! I had a baby too!!! Now send me presents.

I might have better luck if the baby in the pic wasn't half Puerto Rican, or in general looked anything like me. Regardless, I will still accept any gifts.

It seems like everyone I know is currently pregnant or has popped a kid out in the last couple of years. Case in point: here I am holding one of a set of twins at a baby shower for Monica's baby that is due in September. There were I believe 6 kids under a year old.

Sometimes it makes me a little sad to see what seems like everyone else in the world going through something that I really want, but I know it'll happen in due time. Besides, I still have to figure out a way to convince my father I've become impregnated through some means that didn't actually involve intercourse with a dude.

Oh, a quick sidenote: it will have taken the twins 7 or 8 weeks to reach my rather large 8 lb 2 oz birth weight. <------- FAT.

I have zero idea what to do with 9 work-free days in a row

2010-07-31T21:17:00.002-05:00

The long awaited vacation starts tomorrow. Of course, I can't just wake up at a leisurely pace and go home- instead I'll be up at 7 to make it to my first of 2 soccer games, then race to Richard's place to shower and get presentable for Monica's baby shower, then race home and throw all 4 pets in the car. I'm guessing I'll get home around 10. Relaxing!!

Regardless, I'm definitely going to appreciate having an entire week off from work. And I'm hoping my boss will realize how much of the load I carry and perhaps reward me with a monetary high five. Wishful thinking, but worth a shot.

The rest of the month will include some mixture of Richard's bday celebrations, the anniversary hotel trip and perhaps a trip to Tyler to visit Little Muenzler. Knock on wood, but it seems as if this month might not blow :)

Now off to drag the giant baby bouncer in from my car trunk. It seems like every month we've had some sort of baby shower purchase to make. I'm waiting for his neighbors to start asking questions.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2010-07-28T09:28:00.002-05:00

You can't say the crack heads in my neighborhood lack hustle. I was approached by one while I was walking the dogs at 8 AM this morning to see if I'd be interested in taking a telescope off his hands for a low, low, low price. I declined.

To date, the most professional place I've worked was full of dog poop

2010-07-27T16:08:00.004-05:00

Some of the benefits of working for a University:

1) Awesome Christmas vacation time.

2) Great retirement and benefits.

3) Quiet summers without a ton of students running around.

4) Cheap gym membership.

Some of the things that suck about working for a University:

1) Egos: Many of the grad students assume I'm either a) stupid or b) exist solely to be their personal lab slave. They never seem to realize that a lot of them are taking classes now that I got out of the way during my bachelors, and that I've been doing research for half a decade when they are trying to set up their first experiment. Fortunately, they get referred to me a lot of the time when they have no idea how to collect or test their samples :) It's always nice to see the realization dawn on their faces.

2) Slackers: Just because I feel like I should be here every day for 8 hours doesn't mean most of the other people around me feel the same way. It's really frustrating to bust a$$ when other people can't be bothered to come in 1/3 of the time.

3) Gossip: It's everywhere- like high school but worse bc the population size is so much smaller. When going to school is essentially your job, you spend a lot of time around the same people as you take classes and do research together. It also doesn't allow much opportunity for social networking outside of school, so there are constantly relationships and cliques forming and breaking up. Then everyone takes sides, rumors get started, and you end up with the cops being called to the school (seriously). It also doesn't help that most students are between 23-28. Prime drama years.

Example: When I started here 4 years ago, there were rumors that I was sleeping with 2 of the male grad students (at the same time) going around within 2 weeks of me showing up. I had yet to speak to anyone but my boss and his secretary. I was also with Richard. Didn't matter.

I guess after almost 4 years, I'm just becoming a little bit disillusioned with the entire Higher Education idea. I try to stay in the lab as much as possible and keep a low profile. But sometimes it's just hard...

Bah humbug

2010-07-26T15:34:00.002-05:00

I hate this new layout a week after I chose it. I also hate Mondays, about 87% of the people I meet (rough estimate), the crap going on at work right now, and pretty much anything else you can think of.

Obviously, it's been one of those days. Or weeks. Or months. Or all of the above.

At least I'll be home all of next week.

But for reals, I wouldn't mind throat punching some people...

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Look, kittens!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone owes me money from the Melissa and Richard won't last a year betting pool

2010-07-15T14:45:00.003-05:00

Just booked a weekend in August at a fancy schmancy hotel in Dallas to serve as a 28th bday/6 year anniversary present. Actually, we're bringing the dogs, which means it's more of a romantic getaway for Emily and Richard, with Maggie and I serving as 3rd and 4th wheel.

I can just imagine it. Maggie and I "accidentally" get locked out of the room or shoved down a trash chute. Richard gets out of the shower to find Emily has laid out dog treats on the bed in the shape of a heart. Kenny G playing softly in the background.... Emily rolled over on her back growling sweet nothings... Beautiful. (You think I'm exaggerating, but she really does love him that much).

I've also received my vacation and sick leave log for the month. I'm now carrying 263 hour sof vacation and 280 hours of sick leave. Our "new year" starts on September 1, so I have to get rid of 46 hours of vacation time by then or lose it. I think I choose taking a vacation.

At some point in the first half of the month my mom is having eyeball surgery (ewwwww), so hopefully I can just go back home for a week and help out.

I have nothing else of interest to report, so look!!! A link!!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/15/18th-century-ship-found-a_n_647233.html

For the last time, I am not a sorostitute

2010-07-09T17:50:00.002-05:00

What exactly does, "Oh, you look like you'd drive a yellow mustang!" mean?

I don't think it's good....

I swear, him picking Italy last time was just a fluke.

2010-07-07T16:21:00.004-05:00

sparklepants83: Spain wins!! Muenzler finally picks a World Cup finalist!!!! Now you have to take back all the stuff you said about me knowing nothing of soccer after the last one.

Dest2KO: It took meeting me to finally understand how to pick one right in your entire life, huh?

I never win :(